4 Tips to Be a Better Listener
A college friend of mine likes to call and stay in touch. A few years ago I noticed a problem. We only caught up on their life. We never shifted and talked about me.
I didn't think much of it at first but then it started to become a trend. I wondered if I should tell them, “hey, you're not asking about me”. A few months later, they started. I don't know if someone told them. I was happy it didn't have to be me.
Asking questions and listening are rare skills. We have two ears and one mouth. Yet, most of us are waiting our turn to speak.
Some of us are better listeners and are curious about others. Most of us aren't though. It makes sense. Our world revolves around us. Why shouldn't the conversation?
The good news is listening is a skill that can be improved. Below are 4 tips to be a better listener.
Stop composing
When someone is talking, don't think of what to say next. Have a blank mind. Focus your attention on their content. Stop waiting for your turn. When we hit the compose button, we ignore the message.
This is harder to do with friends and family since the back and forth is natural. Try it first with coworkers and acquaintances. You’ll be surprised by how good of a listener you will turn into.
Pass on Your Turn
One of the most generous things you can do is bounce the ball back to them after they've said something. Skip your turn. Shift the focus back on them.
I recently had a conversation with my barber. He told me he was flying to Omaha to teach a class. My response was “I used to go to Omaha for work”. I shifted the conversation to me. I should have kept the focus on him, by asking “What kind of training?” or “Have you been to Omaha before?”
This subtle change allows your partner to continue with their story.
EDR (emotions, details, restatements)
These techniques allow the other person to know you are listening. We all do this but being more intentional goes a long way.
Notice when someone says something with an emotional tone. Acknowledge it. Are they excited? Frustrated? Letting them know you sensed it, makes you a better listener.
Ask for more details. People always have more to say. Ask them questions to give them permission to keep talking.
Restate what they said in a form of a question. Do this if there is a gap in clarity or what they said resonated with you. It also makes it loud and clear you are engaged in the conversation.
Texting etiquette
You get a text message but don't respond. Then a day or two passes and you need to share something with that person. You quickly respond to the last message and then immediately shift to what you want to say. It’s a selfish act. Instead, respond to their text, and wait for them to continue that line of conversation. Only after should you change the topic.
Try these tips out and you will realize how bad you are at listening. I definitely am but now I can be better.
Having a listening mindset not only makes you more likable but also makes you better at understanding. You can’t learn if you are speaking.
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As always, thank you for reading.
Feedback is always welcomed, just hit reply. I answer every email.
Irfan
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